The Importance Of Intimacy And Effective Communication Theology Religion Essay

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23 Mar 2015

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The Bible gives us deep insight into the biblical principle of communication within our human relationships. God shows us in His Word that He is more concerned about understanding than He is about speaking. Paul tells us that the objective of prophecy is to "build up," and if something is said that does not build up, it should not be said. Paul also instructs us about order - speaking when it's your turn in order to avoid confusion and to pursue peace. When God speaks to us from heaven, 1) it is decent and in order, 2) we will know what He is talking about (we have an understanding), and 3) there is a purpose behind it- to build us up!

Communication is a skill! Communication is defined as taking what is inside of us and conveying it to another person. I have also heard it characterized as "an exchange of sincerity." Not being able to communicate constitutes the bulk of our marital problems, which is why I decided to give this tool its own chapter.

Communication is the process by which we share our thoughts, feelings, and ideas in such a way that others understand us. The goal of communication is to make things common. To do this, we define terms and reduce everything down to its common denominator. If we do not define terms and find commonality frustration will result, leading to conflict. The divorce rate in our country is greater than 60%, and research indicates that one of the biggest problems that lead to divorce is communication issues - people's inability to talk with one another

This chapter is designed to help you and your partner learn the art of successful communication, whether that partner is your spouse, your friend, or your significant other. When we make things common, we have communion. When we have communion, we have community, which is belonging or relationship. Unfortunately, with the way that we currently communicate, what is meant, what is sent, what is received, and what is interpreted are different conversations!

Before you begin your journey to learning successful communication, realize that this investment will take some effort! Effective communication is not for wimps!

Communication is or involves:

Dialogue

Hard work

Time consuming

Reveals your perspective

Requires courtesy

Requires body talk

Must happen at the right moment

Succeeds with positive regard for the other person

Getting an understanding

I pray much success as the Holy Spirit guides you in your efforts to learn how to speak, listen, understand, and be understood through the art of successful communication. I also pray that you develop tolerable communication.

The Importance of Intimacy and Effective Communication

Intimacy is necessary for skillful communication. Intimacy is from the Latin word innimus meaning "innermost." We share our innermost thoughts, opinions, feelings, and goals. When we are able to share these things with others, we can connect on another level.

Reflection: Have you ever felt like you were talking about something, but the person you were speaking to never quite got what you were saying? How did it feel when you could not connect?

A consequence of not being able to communicate due to a lack of intimacy is that it creates distance as opposed to the closeness that we desire from our partner.

Reflection: Did you sense a distance between yourself and your partner when you did not connect?

Intimacy or the ability to speak freely from your inner being is a must if there is going to be effective communication patterns in the relationship. The stage of negotiation will be ineffective if intimacy does not exist. Why? Because people will not be honest with each other; they will simply say what causes the least amount of stress and conflict.

Here are five keys to intimacy - the five (5) "musts" for intimacy:

Access - you must possess the ability to link spiritually, emotionally, and physically. In order to have access to your partner, your values must be compatible and in the same camp.

Exercise: Does your partner share the same values that you do? List three values that you share with your partner.

Availability - making sure that both you and your partner are available for one another physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Do you and your spouse have a space and a time where you just chill out and talk and laugh? Is there a time for you to access each other?

Exercise: Does your partner ever complain that you are not available to him/her? What practical, reasonable steps can you take to ensure that you are available to the extent that it makes your partner comfortable?

Argot - an inside language that you develop with your partner. No one else may know what you are talking about because this is a language specific to your relationship such that you can have a conversation in the midst of other people and they have no idea what you are talking about.

Exercise: Give three examples of the types of words, phrases, or gestures used in the relational argot between you and your partner.

Abandonment - you have to be willing to become transparent and self-disclosing. If you are unable or unwilling to reveal yourself, you can't become intimate.

Exercise: Describe an instance in the past when you or your partner revealed something about yourselves to the point where you understood him/her (or vice versa) on deeper, more intimate level.

Application - you must be willing to apply yourself in your relationship.

Exercise: Give an example of how you might apply yourself even further towards developing a quality relationship with you partner.

After having lived with a spouse for a number of years, it is apparent that the couple becomes unable to communicate in a normal, meaningful fashion. If either spouse is unable to avoid exchanges that invariably result in conflict, a communication breakdown in the marriage has occurred. In extreme cases, especially if accompanied by abusive tendencies or other symptoms of dysfunction, a growing inability to deal with any verbal exchanges without conflict could be indicative of a much more serious problem that requires the attention of a mental health professional. More often than not, however, growing differences between the spouses, which may have their roots in the above-mentioned causes, are to blame for communication breakdowns.

Treatment: James 1:19-20, Ephesians 4:15, 29-32, Philippians 2:14 "Do all things without complaining and disputing"

Failure to Communicate

In any relationship, communication is essential. One needs to let the other person know what is on his or her mind. You cannot keep on second-guessing the other person. Open communication becomes critical, so misunderstanding can be minimized. Problems arise when one partner expects the other to read his or her mind - you will agree with me that this is close to impossible. The following five things hinder the creation of a context of toleration of communication.

Five Hindrances to Communication

The Complexity of Communication - Communication is not simply about people's ability to access vocabulary words. It is a skillful exchange between two people. There are listening styles and communication styles that exist in order to help facilitate this. If your spouse is a visual communicator and you are auditory, saying "I love you" will never reach them as much as actually seeing a symbol of your love, such as flowers, a card, a nice gift, etc. Many times, we are talking the wrong language to our spouse.

Low Self-Esteem - If you have low self-esteem, you will not talk, because you feel that what you have to say is not important. At some point in time, you will talk, but that time you may explode. You must learn to value your feelings enough to share them with your spouse. Understand that your unwillingness to share your thoughts can destroy the future of the relationship.

Fear of Criticism and Judgment - Some people live in fear that what they say may be interpreted in a way that they did not intend, or they are unwilling to allow their words to be potentially judged or criticized negatively. Rather than risk this potentially negative backlash or misunderstanding, they can be hesitant to communicate clearly with sincerity and with honesty.

Lack of Knowledge of Internal Happiness - You really do not understand what is going on inside yourself, so you are unable to put your true feelings into words. Thus, your words and what is going on inside of you are totally disconnected, and you feel unfulfilled.

Inability to Put Thoughts and Feelings into Words - Some people put thoughts and feelings into actions, such as being mean, slamming doors, withholding physical intimacy, and name-calling, because they are unable to verbally communicate exactly how they feel. If you can be comfortable without any talking with your significant other, there is something wrong and dysfunctional with your relationship.

Exercise: Choose the hindrance that most affects communication within your relationship and then list two alternatives to overcoming those hindrances.

Communication involves talking with objectives and the following are the objectives behind talking. Determine which ones you are trying to achieve when talking with your spouse.

Information

Talking informs you or makes you aware of something you do not know. We must talk in order for others to understand us. We cannot expect others to know what we are thinking or feeling. Some people tend to say, "He should ALREADY know!" But this is not the case. Simply because we articulate what we want over and over does not mean that our partner gets the message.

Revelation

Information is based on words; however, the basis for revelation is self. Revelation is the self-disclosure behind the words. The objective of communication is not just words, because words are inadequate to holistically explain what we are trying to say.

Communication

There is a difference between talking and communicating. Communication is the process by which we share our thoughts, feelings, and ideas in such a way that others understand us. The goal of communication is to make things common. To do this, we define terms and reduce everything down to its common denominator. If we do not define terms and find commonality, frustration will result, leading to conflict.

Exercise: Pick one issue or need that you feel your partner has not responded to in ways that satisfies you, and answer the following questions regarding this issue:

Have I fully expressed to my partner what it is I want? Yes No

Have I revealed to my partner what it is I want? Yes No

When I expressed these issues and revealed myself to my partner, based upon the definition of communication, was I simply talking or were we truly communicating?

How can I more effectively communicate this particular need to my partner?

The 5 Levels of Communication

There are, what I refer to as, five levels of communication that at some level are correlated with the objectives of talking, but differ due to the emotional involvement in communication vs. talking.

Level 1

Cliché - Shallow level of communication we use when talking with strangers. We don't talk about anything of significance because we are not trying to relate.

Level 2

Reporting Facts - A simple exchange of data. This occurs frequently in relationships, as people may simply report the details of their day to one another. A husband and wife may talk about the kids, what happened on their jobs during the work day, what's for dinner, and what bills need to be paid, rather than anything on a deeper level.

Level 3

Sharing of Ideas and Opinions - This is the first level of risk communication, because it taps into the core of who we are. On this level, we risk possible conflict and/or rejection that may result from disagreement. What if your partner shares his/her ideas or opinions about this and you do not agree? For this reason, most people stay away from this level and stick to Level 2. Many couples have tried this level and found it to be too challenging.

Level 4

Revealing Emotions - This level of risk is the "I feel" level where you communicate your joys and sorrows to your partner. The problem with this level is that if a woman communicates her emotions to a man, he will tend to blame himself for causing the woman to feel this way. Rather than hear the emotions of the woman, the man may move into a posture of defense that might thrust him into warfare. People may not mind communicating the joyful emotions on this level, but they often do not like to communicate negative emotions on this level.

Level 5

Complete Disclosure -The riskiest, but most rewarding level of intimacy, is the unrestrained, honest sharing of one's innermost desires, whether they are popular or not to a partner The partner, in response to the sharing of emotions on this level, will then respond in a loving, accepting way that acknowledges the problem and assists their partner in resolving the problem

Exercise: Complete the following chart regarding your relationship's communication style. For each level of your relationship, write down you and your partner's level of communication at that particular point in time. Check only those relationship levels that apply to your own relationship and skip the levels that do not apply.

Relationship Level Communication Level

When you first met your partner

One year after you met your partner

The day you married your partner

One year after the birth of your first child

Five years into your marriage

Ten years into your marriage

Your relationship today

If you noticed a change in the level of communication, to what might you attribute this change? At what level would you like your communication with your partner to be?

If we want to have a tolerable relationship that is healthy, we must be attentive to our communication style. Sometimes we engage in negative communication styles beyond our own consciousness. Virginia Satir offers a model that accentuates what she refers to as the four styles of communication.

Four Negative Communication Styles

Placater - The "Yes" person who tries to avoid conflict at any cost.

Blaming - The "fault finder" who tries to find fault in your argument or something he/she can be critical of in an argument

Computing - The "Cool, Calm, Collected, and Correct" person who is always right. They never get excited or emotional, because they know they are right. During their turn in the conversation, they will explain to you all of the facts. They tend to believe that their partner has lost the facts in all of their emotion.

Distracting - The person who 'changes topics like crazy' because the conversation becomes too conflicting, personal, and intimidating.

Circle the Communication Style that best describes YOU:

a. Placater

b. Blaming

c. Computing

d. Distracting

Circle the Communication Style that best describes your PARTNER:

a. Placater

b. Blaming

c. Computing

d. Distracting

How do you think either of your negative communication styles has impacted the communication in your relationship?

Communication Styles Characterized by Animals

Shark - The Competitor

Gets what they want no matter what it takes by shouting, sulking, withholding physical intimacy - whatever works. This type does not mind having disharmony in the home.

Bear - The Accommodator

Keeps peace at any cost

Fox - The Negotiator

Specialist in compromise such that everyone wins a little and everyone loses a little. Both Bear and Fox tend to walk away half-pleased.

Turtle - The Avoider

Pretends that problems do not exit in the relationship. Their partner tends to be the shark-style communicator. This person feels conflict, so he/she becomes passive and withdrawn. Some people think they have happy marriages, because they are married to turtles.

The Owl - The Collaborator

The win-win person who will try to get a resolution for all. Tends to operate with wisdom.

Exercise: List the potential strengths and weakness of your animal-type communication style and that of your partner.

Communication and Non-Verbals

Communication is more than the words you speak. Communication encompasses what you say, how you say it, and how your body is reacting to what you are saying. Research shows that communication is:

7% Words

24% Tonality

69" Body Language and Expressions

Reflection: What would happen if your partner shouted to you, "I AM interested in what you are saying!" while turning away from you to intently watching his/her favorite show on the television? Would you believe the words that he/she was communicating? The tonality and the non-verbals would outweigh the words that were spoken.

Key Dynamics of Communication

Listening is one of the most important functions of communication there is. If both people are slow to listen and quick to speak, there will be chaos and lack of communication because there will be no understanding. There is a difference between HEARING and LlSTENING!

Hearing - the auditory reception of sound

Listening - the ability to hear, interpret, and understand

Exercise: Give an example of how your partner may have heard something you said rather than listen to what you said:

Listening involves commitment!

A commitment to understand, empathize, to put aside one's own interests and prejudices long enough to see the relationship through the eyes of the other person. The goal of listening is to understand, learn, and enjoy helping.

Listening involves compliment!

Because our partner listens, we tend to feel that we matter.

Roadblocks to Listening

Most men dread hearing the words, "Can I talk to you about something?" or "We need to talk." They tend to ask themselves, "What did I do now?" They dread that they will now have to engage in an activity that so many of us are unprepared for - the art of intentional listening.

The following are roadblocks to listening in which many of us engage in with our relationships:

Mindreading - ignoring what is being said while trying to figure out what is meant. In other words, ignoring the obvious in favor of the imaginary

Rehearsing - preparing what is going to be said. You cannot listen you are trying to get your argument together against your partner

Filtering - keeping the things that you do want to hear or that you do agree with and blocking out all you do not want to hear

Judging - Listening to criticize, to judge, and to find blame

Daydreaming - not paying attention or tuning the other person out

Advising - jumping in to try to fix the problem with a solution rather than hear what the person is saying. Just because your partner has a problem does not mean that he/see wants you to fix it all of the time!

Exercise: Evaluate the following scenario.

Jesse is listening to his wife complain once again about the gas tank of their car being left on empty after he has driven it all weekend. As his wife proceeds to give him a play-by-play of who drove the car that weekend and when and where it was driven, he is trying to pinpoint in his mind exactly who should have stopped to fill the car's tank rather than hearing his wife's issue. After she finishes, he has already concluded whose fault this whole issue was, deciding actually it was her fault. Which roadblock is Jesse employing?

a. Mindreading

b. Rehearsing

c. Filtering

d. Judging

e. Daydreaming

f. Advising

Dynamics of Active Listening

Step 1: Pay Attention. Listen without any roadblocks.

Step 2: Paraphrase. Restate your understanding of what your partner has spoken to you.

Step 3: Clarify. Your partner comes back with what he/she actually meant if you did not get the intended message.

Step 4: Collect Yourself and Get Feedback. The feedback should address what you just clarified with your partner. Deal with the facts on the floor and respond with what you feel about what was communicated.

The goal of communication is not agreement or convincing your partner. Rather, the goal of communication is to be heard and understood!

Exercise: Choose a neutral topic to discuss with your partner, and allow your partner to practice utilizing the four Dynamics of Active Listening while you explain your topic. After you have had your turn, allow your partner to use the same exercise. Write down the results of how this exercise transpired and how active listening made each of you feel.

Very few people actually make contact in communication, i.e., two people ending up at the same place, knowing where they are when they get there. We tend to be on different frequencies when we communicate, and thus never end up on the same channel. Everyone wants to grow close with their partner, but when people realize how difficult this is through communication, they tend to shy away from this type of relational intimacy and decided not connect on a deeper level.

Communication allows our partners to know us, who we are, and how we think or feel. We want them to enter our world of feelings so that we can enhance them, support them, help them, or simply enjoy them.

Expression of oneself is the ability to give voice to one's emotional feelings. The only way to do this is through the process of self-awareness. You've got to learn how you feel and what it is that you are feeling and then put a voice to it so that the other person can understand it.

If you find yourself constantly saying, "You don't ever listen to me," you might consider asking the question, "Am I listening to myself?", because you might be communicating the wrong way.

The Pillars of Communication

The following charts are exercises to begin learning about you so you can clearly articulate your issues.

Pillar #1: How to Express Yourself - Prepare to Talk

Step

Task

1

Identify what it is you feel (Is it a good or bad feeling?)

2

Ask yourself, "How important is this feeling to me?" (Is it really important enough to talk about?)

3

What is the feeling saying to me? (Something positive, negative, affirming, etc.)

4

What do I want to do about this feeling? (What do I want or expect to happen?)

5

What past experience does this feeling remind me of? (Have I ever felt this before?)

6

Name your feeling (annoyed, happy, sad, playful, jealous, etc. - you cannot explain it you if you cannot name it!)

7

Define the word for the feeling in terms of intensity (Very, a little, not at all)

8

Define the word or feeling in terms of duration (How long you've held the feeling?)

9

Define the feeling in cause and context (When the feeling came, where were you were, and in what context?)

10

Define the feeling in terms of its historical context (Have you ever felt this way at another stage in your life?

Pillar #2; Scripting Your Needs - Planning in Advance How to Ask for what you want

Step

Task

1

Say exactly what you mean

2

Send the message effectively by using the right words and action

3

Obey the 10 Commandments of Clean Communication

10 Commandments of Clean Communication

Commandment 1

Avoid Judgment Words and Loaded Terms

(Words that communicate your partner is flawed, incorrect, and in error)

Commandment 2

Avoid Global Labels

(Stay away from generalizations and name-calling, as this will shut down communication)

Commandment 3

Avoid "You" Messages of Blame and Accusation

(Stay away from "always" and "never," and use "I" rather than "You" statements when talking about your feelings)

Commandment 4

Avoid Old History

(Stick to the issue at hand and discuss one issue at a time)

Commandment 5

Avoid Negative Comparison.

(Don't ask, "Why can't you be like Frank?")

Commandment 6

Avoid Threats

(Threats bring insecurity in a relationship and causes people to be less self-disclosing with you)

Commandment 7

Describe your feelings rather than attacking with them.

(Your goal is not to make your partner feel bad, but to express how you feel)

Commandment 8

Keep Body Language Open and Receptive

(You speak louder with your body than with your words)

Commandment 9

Use Whole Messages

(Use your thoughts, your feelings, and your emotions)

Commandment 10

Use Clear Messages

(Make sure you're specific, and do not ask loaded questions of your partner)

Exercise: Complete the following exercise by listing which commandments the following statements are violating (some may violate more than one).

Statement

Commandment Violated

You have the biggest stomach in the whole class. Why can't you lose weight?

You have one more time to hang the telephone up on me before I walk out for good!

I wish I would have known that you were this stubborn before I married you!

I am very upset about the way you treated me yesterday. Why did you totally ignore me?

This is just like when you almost had an affair three years ago. You've never changed!

I can listen and do my paperwork at the same time. My hands are occupied, not my ears!

Sometimes I think that you don't like me anymore. That's all I have to say.

Well, maybe if you weren't so uneducated, you wouldn't be so closed-minded!

You always decide to call one of your friends on the phone when I say we have an issue to resolve!

Yes, I am jealous, and it's all your fault! You don't have to hug people like that in front of me!

How to Communicate with Your Body

The following are steps that you and your partner can exercise to communicate more effectively with your body language:

Maintain Eye Contact

Lean in Close to the Person

Nod and Give Short Verbal Affirmations

Smile or Frown, Whichever is Appropriate

Keep Your Posture Open. Arms Unfolded, Towards Your Partner

Actively Move Away From Distractions

Exercise: Evaluate the following scenario:

Lynn certainly thinks that she looks like she is listening to her partner. She is seated in a comfortable chair, leaning forward with her arms unfolded, and she is making direct eye contact with him. However, she is neither nodding nor shaking her head, she says nothing, and her face is expressionless. Even further, when her partner finishes talking, Lynn remains in her same posture, gazing intently at him, but not saying a word. Her partner thinks that she is in a daze. What is Lynn communicating to her partner with her body?

"Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who [are] spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted." - Galatians 6:1

Sometimes you are talking to someone who hurt you, but you have to be eager to restore the relationship. However, if the goal of communication is not restoration, there really is no need to talk.

There are certain parameters to fair communication that each partner in a relationship should employ.

Do's and Don'ts of Communication

Don'ts

Be judgmental

Expect too much from one session

Bring up your mate's past

Butt in or be rude

Overstate by saying "you a1ways" or "You never"

Lose your temper

Pout or give the silent treatment

Tell endless stories

Compete

Think in terms of winning and losing

Belittle your male

Do's

Be accepting and tolerant

Plan to talk again

Be forgiving

Be courteous as to a stranger

Be accurate by saying "Sometimes, "Many times", To me it seems"

Be in control of yourself

Be positive, outgoing. and unselfish even when you don't feel like it

Be concise

See yourself as an equal partner

Be cooperative and not combative

Be affirming and build up your mate

Exercise: Choose three Do's listed and list the possible positive consequences of the chosen behavior. Then, choose three Don'ts listed above and list the possible negative consequences of the chosen behavior.

Difference in the Way Men and Women Communicate

There are a number of differences between the communication styles of men and women. For example, you have a 96% chance of the conversation continuing when the man initiates it, and yet, you have only a 36% chance of the conversation continuing when a woman initiates it. Also, because men have a larger ego, this ego drives a man's awareness of what is received and what is blocked out in communication. Differences do not have to hinder our communication if we acknowledge, understand, accept, and learn to work with them. Men and women must have positive regard for the differences that exist between them.

Men

Women

Focus on achievement

Focus on relationship

Focus on solving problems with the facts

Like to share their feelings

Need an agenda when communicating

Tend to use intense adjectives

Tend to interrupt more

Tend to be more descriptive in conversation

Talk more in public settings than they do in private

Tend to talk more in small groups

Talk loudly and tell lots of stories

Talk more quietly with focuses on fewer topics

Talk about reports

Talk about rapport

Assume you are sharing what you want revealed

Ask a lot of questions

Tend to be competitive in their dialogue

Tend to be cooperative

Tend to be exclusive

Tend to be inclusive

Information

Intuition

Listen for what's important

Listen for details

Need time to process their thoughts and feelings

Process immediately

Say women are too emotional

Say men are not sensitive enough

Say women talk too much

Say men don't listen

How God Broke Down Differences to Communicate with Humanity

The incarnation was a divine example of communication that transcended differences. In John 1, the incarnation taught us that communication has to be reflective. The Word accurately described what God was feeling. The word God spoke was so reflective of God that it was God Himself. We have to take time to come up with the words that accurately reflect what is going on inside of us. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Communication has to be relevant. In verse 14 (the Word became flesh and dwelt among them), God had to put aside His own interests in order to communicate with us. This is empathy in its highest form, as God put Himself in our shoes. The only way that we can understand our partner is to put ourselves in their shoes. In doing this, we can effectively meet their needs.

Communication must be rational. In verse 9, Jesus came to bring light or understanding. When we communicate, we ought to be revealing something. One goal of communication is to uncover the self.

Communication is real. John 1:17 demonstrates acknowledgement of the facts (what was supposed to be) and, at the same time, acknowledges that we need grace. All communication should integrate both truth and grace.

Communication is relational. Philippians 2.5 shows that God wanted to relate to us through Jesus Christ. When we communicate in our relationships, the goal is to seek to understand and not to be understood.

Exercise: How does this lesson on divine communication impact your attitude about communication between you and your partner?

Getting Through to a Man: The Word Picture

How do you get inside of a man's one-track mind? Utilize a word picture, because it is very risky talking directly to ego! God did this a number of times in scripture, e.g., with the story of Hosea and in the story of Nathan the prophet with King David. Too often, women try to attack the ego when they talk to a man. Men will not listen while you are challenging them. Word pictures simultaneously activate a man's emotion and intellect. Word pictures put the ego to sleep and allow you to approach a subject in a roundabout way by appealing to the head through the heart. Word pictures bypass the ego and the potential to be criticized.

How to Develop an Emotional Word Picture

Clearly identify the need or concern that you wish to communicate.

Identify related areas that are of high interest to your spouse.

Using this area of high interest, share enough information to stimulate his interest.

Add a little more curiosity.

Use short questions to gain his commitment or pursuit of interest.

Relate your concern.

Keys for Growth in Your Communication

Disagree, but don't disrespect.

Deal in potential and not the past.

Don't force your spouse to be a carbon copy.

Don't label your mate.

Pray one for another.

It doesn't matter how much sense it makes - until you or your spouse can feel it, no one is going to change! Intellect doesn't change people; it's the abilities to feel that do!

Exercise: Using the steps above, create an emotional word picture for your partner while keeping the Keys for Growth in Your Communication in mind. Use the space below to make notes about how you will present your word picture. Allow your partner to respond to how the word picture made him/her feel.

Three Different Communication Language Styles

Personal communication language styles may be predominantly one type or a blend of different types. In order to effectively communicate with someone, you must discover and utilize what type of style the person uses to interpret, process, and respond to your communication, even if this means operating outside of your comfort zone.

Visual - understanding based on visual cues. When they imagine, they visualize. When they remember, they do so by recalling a vision or an image. This person tends to talk about how things look rather than how they feel.

Prefer to talk face to face.

Doesn't like people to read to them; they want to read it themselves.

Convey love to them through something they can see.

Auditory - Interested in hearing about life and relates more to sound. Unless you tell them something, they will not see it. You have to tell them more than you show them. They equally hear what is said and what is not mentioned.

Telephones are important to them.

Convey love to them by telling them you love them.

Feeling - Relate emotionally and intuitively as" touchy-feely" types of people. More intuitive than logical, they do not rely heavily on the facts. Get physical comfort from being touched, rubbed and stroked.

Tend to show their feelings when they can't voice their feelings.

Love to grow closer to other people.

Convey love to them by touching them.

Exercise: Which of the above Communication Language Styles best describes yours and your partner's? What types of challenges do you encounter by being so alike or so different in your Communication Language Styles?

The tools that have been presented to you in this chapter will improve your communication life, which is one of the most important tools in your marital toolbox. Marriages are in serious trouble, and communication is one of the top issues that couples complain about. However, while communication is vital, I believe that the origin of problems in marriages is greater than an inability to forgive, be humble, resolve conflict, and communicate. The problem is that people enter into relationships without taking a quality analysis of the partner needed to build the foundation for a tolerable marriage and the lack of context to do the analysis.

Chapter Ten: The Kingdom and Marriage

This chapter will explore marriage from a Kingdom perspective. When we look at marriage, we must first look at it in its proper context as New Testament believers. Marriage that is honored by God is a secondary covenant cut between individuals, which is subordinate to their covenant with God. Marriage was designed to assist and support one's relationship with God. Marriage was never designed to compete with God; it was designed to make ministry to God more effective. One of the simplest ways to approach this issue of marriage and the Kingdom is from a very rudimental level. To better understand the role of marriage and the Kingdom, we must simply ask what is the role of the individual and the Kingdom and then how does this role change when the individual gives himself/herself in marriage?

The scriptures declare that when one comes to Christ, they come unto him and lose their life in order to gain eternal life (Mark 8:34-38). This is a fact that must be experienced in order to be in a relationship with God, or "self" will be competition with the Kingdom. Therefore we must acknowledge that being in the Kingdom takes self-denial, true submission, and surrender of self to God. Then the scriptures declare that except a man is born again he cannot see nor enter the Kingdom. It is also stated that everyone who is born again is under the total control of God's Spirit to move as He unpredictably chooses to move (John 3:1-8). The scriptures declare that a man's life is not his own, that he has been bought with a price. This suggests that we are the property of God (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). The scriptures declare that people should seek heavenly things, not things on the earth, and that our lives are hid in Christ Jesus (Colossians .3:1-3). Then lastly, the Bible tells us to seek the Kingdom first, before even our necessities of life (Matthew 6:33).

Does marriage give us an exemption from these practices? Does marriage change the agenda of the Kingdom? More specifically, does marriage exempt the individual from Kingdom priority and God's Kingdom agenda due to them cutting a new covenant with each other? No! Marriage was not designed to compete with the Kingdom nor was it designed to exempt the married couple from Kingdom priority and ministry. In fact, it simply makes it more difficult. Thus, Paul admonishes those who did not have to marry not to do so, because it is trouble in the flesh (1 Corinthians 7:25-40). We are first called to be Kingdom citizens, and then married couples. Marriage was not designed to be equal with the Kingdom nor a ministry of the church. Marriage is only a temporary relationship that does not continue in heaven. All marital ties are terminated upon physical death and are not continued in heaven. Marriage is a union that is designed to model the relationship between the Kingdom and the church, not to compete with the church and the Kingdom. When marriages are misaligned, they portray a confusing picture of Christ's relationship with His church. The doctrinal model of marriage (in Ephesians) is extremely important, because it serves as a human model of how the Kingdom and the church relate to each other in Christ. Thus, Paul writes and explains marriage, but declares "This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church". In other words, he was saying that I'm really not discussing marriage; I'm discussing Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:22-33).

The New Testament Model of Marriage

"22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. - Ephesians 5:22-33

When we look at the institution of marriage from this Pauline epistle, it provides us with a biblical framework and model for marriage.

Paul approached marriage from an apostolic perspective that creates a foundation for success and assists couples in being able to navigate their relationship to a position of toleration. It is the determination of marital roles that removes the confusing nature of human chaos within a marriage due to self-centeredness. When this model is not adhered to, it makes it easy for the four horsemen of the apocalypse to enter into a marriage and tear it apart, ravaging any products of the marriage, including children. We must remember that marriage was designed by God with a spiritual purpose that addresses a social need. Thus, the social existence must revolve around the spiritual purpose.

In order to create a marriage of toleration, there must be marital, biblical roles that govern this human relationship. These roles are extremely significant, because they reflect the dynamics of the relationship between Christ and the church. When a marriage is role-less, it is doomed for failure and chaos. In every human relationship, there must be roles. Even in the world of organizations and business, Frederick Taylor developed Scientific Management and Henry Fayol developed the administration system of management. These two systems were both predicated upon managing productivity through role development. Any organization must have roles and a marriage, as an organization, is no exception. As an organization, there must be assigned roles in order to establish and maintain peace. Even in the animal kingdom, there are assigned roles within the different orders and within their particular family, genus, and species.

An organization is comprised of input of raw materials and transformation of that raw material into an output of a new product. Organizations are goal-oriented institutions that are focused upon accomplishing a common goal and utilizing all of its resources towards the execution of that goal. In the Old Testament, before the fall of man, marriage was designed for procreation and re-population, which defined it as an organization. The Old Testament serves as the natural example for the spiritual expectation of the New Testament believer. So what is the goal of marriage in the New Testament? It is the goal of the individual to make disciples (procreation and re-population), so marriage should be more effective in making disciples as an organization. People are still having children in the natural in contemporary society, so marriages are also designed to make disciples of their offspring. In addition, marriage is designed to demonstrate or model how the church functions in relationship with Christ. Consider the following roles:

Roles

Men: Greek word aner (ἀνήρ), in contrast to a woman gune (γυνή), as distinct from a boy. He is the head: kephalé (Κεφαλή), a person designating first or superior rank, head. Key words that describe the responsibility of the husband are love, cleanse, present.

Woman: Greek word gune (γυνή), a woman, a wife. She is commanded to submit - hupotasso (ὑποτάσσω): obey, subject one's self; unto one's own idios (ἴδιος). Key word that describes the responsibility of the wife is submit, in everything.

Reflection of Christ's Kingdom (known through a great mystery - μέγας μυστήριον):

Adam/Eve and Christ and the church

Relationship

Love (sacrifice)

Respect (submission)

These are the two necessary ingredients of a Kingdom marriage that will fight off the four horsemen and allow you to continue in marriage through recycling of the process of relationships.

Marriage was designed to be a reflection of how Kingdom government works: Adam subjected to God, Eve subjected to Adam, the devil subjected to both of them.

We are experiencing marital problems today, because we are trying to create a role-less marriage. The problem with that is that where there are no roles, there are no expectations; where there are no expectations, there is no fulfillment; where there is no fulfillment, there is no satisfaction; where there is no satisfaction, there is no contentment; when there is no contentment, there is no commitment; and where there is no commitment, there is no community. What we end up with is a marriage that we cannot tolerate. Thus, a role-less, indefinable marriage brings about what we are seeing today - skyrocketing divorce rates!

The media has promoted a traditional "Leave It To Beaver" model - the all-American family of father, mother, sister, brother that does not exist. It never existed in the biblical context - it was only an image, and it was not real! Yet, it served as a model to which we all aspired. In the end, it led only to a rebellious 60's generation who felt they had been sold a bill of goods. The traditional American family model led to fathers being absent, chasing the American dream, and leaving a void at home. Children never experienced a mother and father, which left boys searching for manhood and left girls searching for acceptance. Women were devalued. A mother's role as a nurturer was undervalued by the media. Consequently, women grew restless, isolated, and bored - seeking significance outside the home. Marriage then became viewed as a commitment to tolerate each other in exchange for monetary benefits.

Exercise: Evaluate the following ideas concerning marital ideology and check whether you agree or disagree with each statement.

Ideology

Agree

Disagree

I believe that a career is a more honorable pursuit than simply being a wife or a mother in today's society.

I believe that men and women should divide housework equally, 50/50, even if both partners work.

My partner and I are essentially the same. I am capable of doing what my partner does in the relationship, and my partner is capable of doing what I do in the relationship.

The Bible's stance on women's and men's roles should be taught in such a way that it takes into consideration today's changing cultural norms - some things apply to us today, and some do not.

I do not subscribe to the stereotype of the cookie-baking, stay-at-home mother and the sole income-providing father - those were just stereotypes that worked back in the 50's.

How Does God View The Marital Role Situation?

God created men and women to live in a symbiotic marital relationship; they had different functions that complemented one another for mutual survival and service unto God. If there is no symbiotic relationship, both the man and woman fail.

In a contemporary marital relationship, neither the husband nor the wife knows what to do, because typically those roles have not been taught. If you want your marriage to succeed, you MUST have complete confidence and clarity about who does what and why. Roles address one another's responsibility, not their rank. We tend to talk about everything other than roles when discussing possible marriage. The sense of not being satisfied or not being fulfilled comes as a result of not discussing expectations prior to marriage; these expectations are grounded in roles. It is essential to know what you want, define it, and ask for it in advance. Marriage is not the context where these questions should be asked. Unfortunately, most of us end up having these discussions after the marriage ceremony, because we were trying to close the deal.

Exercise: If you are married, prior to entering the marital covenant, did you and your partner come to a clear understanding of which roles each of you would have? Evaluate this question in light of the following issues and circle the correct response.

Did you and your partner come to a clear understanding on:

Career Roles

Yes

No

Household Cleaning Roles

Yes

No

Meal Preparation Roles

Yes

No

Maintaining Household Finance Roles

Yes

No

Parenting Roles

Yes

No

Bill-Paying Roles

Yes

No

For each of the "No" responses that you circled, explain how a lack of clarification of roles in these particular areas has impacted your relationship.

The Marital Organization

The Bible is clear that we should have organization in our marriages. The husband is responsible for a specific type of leadership. The wife is responsible for a specific type of support and nurture. God emphasizes and makes a differentiation between male and female.

A marriage is an organization, and if you try to live in one without organization, you can't move the marriage forward. Where there are no roles, the Bible tells us that there is confusion; and God is not the author of confusion. Anything that is not well-defined is chaotic.

So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because he was taken out of Man." Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. - Genesis 2:20-25

To the woman He said: "I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." Then to Adam He said: "Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you, saying, "You shall not eat of it,": Cursed is the ground for your sake; In toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life. Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you, and you shall eat the herb of the field. In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; For dust you are, and to dust you shall return." - Genesis 3:16-19

Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you. - 1 Corinthians 7:27-28

When one considers the arduous task of two people becoming one flesh, it is easy to understand Paul's sentiment that marriage is trouble in the flesh. We see that God says it is not good for man to be alone, so He gives Adam a woman. God also gives Adam a vision, as well as provision and a helpmate for that vision. However, because neither Adam nor Eve followed God's organizational structure for a healthy relationship, the relationship did not function properly and their children reaped the whirlwind. God gives us structure for relationship. Whenever this structure for relationship is followed, a relationship increases its probabilities of success. However when a couple strays away from God's structure, the relationship is destined to fail.

Adam and Eve deviated from this structure when Eve began to take the lead, and Adam began to follow. Consequently, both of them had to pay the penalty for their disobedience. God then said to the woman that the two issues she would have to wrestle with for the rest of her life were pain and pride, while the man would have to suffer with pressure and provision as his consequence for violating God's blueprint for relationship.

The Biblical Role of the Husband

He has responsibility, not privilege.

He has service, not trying to be served.

He supports, not walking in superiority.

He has to sacrifice, not lean towards selfishness.

He has duty, not domination.

Men should represent a servant-leadership style like Jesus Christ modeled. Ephesians 5:25 tells husbands to love their wives. However, the husband, in his role, is responsible for ultimate decision-making.

Servant-Leadership Characteristics of a Godly Husband

Seeks to hear opinions and considers how choices affect everyone, rather than giving orders and always being in control

Responds to the needs of his wife, accepting the fact that she is different from him

In conflict, does not become defensive when his wife has her own opinion

Interest is at arriving at the truth, rather than simply "winning"

Desires his wife's valuable input

Focuses on what is right and good about his wife rather than what is bad

Is secure and ultimately knows that decision-making lies in his court

Ephesians 5:22 also speaks to women under a man's leadership. Women should respect their husbands the way she respects Jesus. As a Christian woman, Jesus says to you, "Whatever you would give to Me, give to him." If a woman cannot treat the man in her life like he is Jesus, she should not marry that man. If she is unable to treat him as such, she is essentially saying she does not feel secure with him, she does not feel safe with him, and that she cannot be successful with him. In other words, he is not the one! If a woman is to be married, she must find someone to whom she can subject herself.

From a psychological point of view, a man cannot feel like a man and lead his family successfully knowing that he is dependent upon the revelation and the leadership of his wife.

Exercise: Evaluate the following statement, "Leadership for a man is not a privilege; it is a responsibility!" What does this mean to you, and what implications does this truth have on your relationship?

The Woman as Helper

The wife acknowledges what the husband is trying to do for the family, and consequently because they both want the family to work, she must help. In the book of Genesis, God gave Adam a work to do, and Eve was created as his helpmate. God gave man his purpose and then decided it was not good for him to do it alone. God's role order for the family is the man as the head of his household and the woman as the helper. Ephesians states that the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church.

What an awesome task for both men and women of God! That is why it is so important to choose your mate wisely. The Bible admonishes women to respect their husbands, so a woman should take care and marry someone who desires to emulate Jesus Christ in their marriage, such that "respect and submission" won't be the challenge in the marriage. Women can take confidence in their husband's headship when they know their husbands are submitted to Jesus as Jesus was obedient and submitted to the Father. Submission will not work any other way.

Exercise: Evaluate the following scenario:

Maxine and Jay have been married for seven years now. When they first married, they were both very active in leadership roles at their local church. Over the years and with three small children, however, time has taken its toll on Jay's participation in spiritual activity. For almost two years, Jay has not attended church on a consistent basis, usually making it to service no more than twice a month, and even then, he has not tithed, participated in offerings, and he has had a hard time listening to the messages. Maxine has remained more consistent, continuing in tithes and offerings, functioning in a leadership role as a hostess, and attending worship services throughout the week. She knows that biblically, she is to follow her husband's leadership, and in the past, she has had no problem with this. However, as she sees him falling away from the things of God, she is hesitant to trust his direction. One day, Jay tells Maxine that God has spoken to him and that God is calling their family to move from the ministry. God has not spoken where they should go, only that they should leave the present ministry that Maxine loves.

Why would Maxine have a difficult time following her husband's leadership in this instance? Is her hesitation to submit to his wishes valid? What should she do?

God's Instructions to Men and Women

According to Titus 2:2-6, God gives the following instructions to men and women by which they can define their role:

Women should:

Love their husband

Love their children

Be chaste, pure, and self-controlled

Manage the home

Be submissive and kind

Men should:

Be self-controlled

Be a role model, teaching integrity

Be of sound speech and gravity

Exercise: Choose one or two of the above instructions that you are dedicated to recommitting yourself to. How do you plan to carry out these instructions more passionately, more consistently, and more intentionally?

When we consider the condition of relationships now, we know that what Paul wrote is still true today. Marriage is trouble in the flesh, and divorce statistics prove it. However, several other fallouts have occurred because of our inability to get along with one another, including an increase in single parenthood, lesbian relationships in which women feel more comfortable relating to other women, and gay relationships in which men feel more understood relating to other men. These types of behavior have infiltrated our society through the media and politics and have desensitized us to the notion of viewing them as deviant and taboo - all because we are unable to get along with one another in marriage. I know this may seem over-simplified and somewhat closed-minded, but statistics demonstrate this is true.

Despite all of the challenges that couples face in the culture of today's society, there is hope for today's Kingdom relationships! The good news is that Jesus Christ can heal fragile, broken relationships if both individuals are prepared to engage in intentional efforts to learn and employ the strategies that God provides to teach men and women how to coexist peacefully in a loving relationship.

It is my prayer that you engage your whole being in this teaching with great expectation and a steadfast commitment to making things work in your relationship. At the end of this book, we pray that your covenantal relationship can be poised to withstand the additional factors to make your marriage tolerable. But through this book, I pray that you are inspired to re-lay a healthy foundation in your marriage. You must be committed to build a marriage and relationship of toleration, not of idealism. Please realize that if you build a relationship that is fortified against intolerance - which is considered the breaking point - you will have a lasting, satisfying marriage. Happy moments will come, and most importantly, you will experience true companionship and fulfillment, rather than feel like a prisoner in your own home with your spouse is the warden.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I hope that this book is a tremendous tool that assists you in creating your marriage of toleration. Just imagine not feeling like you have to escape your relationship in order to survive emotionally! This is what a marriage of toleration provides for you - disappointment without discouragement. This book will serve your marriage very well.

Keep on the lookout for some very powerful tools and resources that will be made available in my next Kingdom relationship series. This series is the result of me becoming emotionally weary as I would constantly address the marital strife and conditions of marriages worldwide. Having seen many friends and congregants go through painful divorces and having experienced one myself, I got tired of feeling like the devil wins over marriage as we surrender and compromise our sexuality and Kingdom roles. So I really begin to seek the face of God through scripture and the Lord provided me with, what I refer to as, the Genesis factor - the six factors of a tolerable covenant or marriage. These six areas are rooted in the first three chapters of Genesis and born out in my own personal research through focus groups and individuals. These six key factors have been there since the beginning. God designed, within human nature, six factors that you and I cannot live without in a marital relationship at a tolerable level. This resource will transform your life and will be coming to you soon, to help you build your divorce-free marriage of toleration!



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